Save the world, but call a doctor after four hours

I really like Brandon, the guy who cuts my hair, even though he always styles it like I’m a slimy televangelist such as… oh, you know the guy… the one who stole all that money from his own church and had the affair and made a lot of wrong predictions… I know I’m not really narrowing it down here…

Yes! Benny Hinn!  The guy who cuts my hair styles it as though I’d asked for the Evil Faith Healer Special! But it washes out and all is well. If only the same were true of Benny Hinn.

When I’m getting these Hinn Jobs, I’m normally careful to avoid conversations that run deeper than the latest movies or other pop culture trivia. We have discussed the Lamentations of the Lohan at length, but as Brandon’s a climate change denying teabagger whose favorite movie is The Passion of the Christ and is standing over me with something sharp, I keep it light. If I piss him off, he might go Full Jan Crouch on me.

Maybe he’d show mercy and and just jab the scissors into my ear hole

But last week, we got talking about how we silly humans sometimes do nutty things like hunt other species to extinction for totally insane reasons. You’ve got the overcompensating man-child type who goes to Africa because he thinks shooting a sleeping lion with a slug that could stop a school bus is somehow admirable. And you have the ones in the Far East who have yet to come across an animal that doesn’t act as an aphrodisiac. In either case, you’ve got men overly concerned with having an impressive penis — the former is more metaphorical. Or maybe those damn cheetahs are standing on our oil.

So Brandon and I realized there might be a quick solution to the second type — the weird Far East folks who will tell you the powdered rhino horn you’re eating will give you Iron Crotch.

Look at the following picture. Tell me which of these is different from the other two.

I’m pretty sure all three of them are college mascots

It’s a little tricky. I’ll give you a hint:

• one is a reference to sharks being killed for Shark Fin Soup, which is believed to be an aphrodisiac by some Chinese people
• one is a reference to tigers being killed for Tiger Penis Soup, which is believed to be an aphrodisiac by some Chinese people
• one will increase the blood flow into a man’s sex organs, which aids problem peens in the intercourse department

Obviously all three products compete in the same space. I don’t know if there’s a lot of overlap — if you’ll eat Tiger Penis Soup, you probably try anything.

Our plan is to convince Pfizer it needs to open up the Asian market for Viagra. Pfizer is part of Big Pharma, so they could obviously use some good PR.

Pfizer representatives will go to China and say “if you stop eating Shark Fin Soup for one week, we’ll give you three tablets of Viagra.” The Viagra would ideally give them a huge actual erection instead of the unimpressive faux-rection the get from the dessicated tiger junk. (By the way, the technical term for faux-rection is placeboner.)

It’s a flawless plan. Everyone in the Far East gets to have erections on demand,  sharks get to keep their fins, tigers get to keep their penises, and Pfizer stock goes through the roof! We’re already partly made up of Pfizer products anyway — they make ChapStick, birth control pills, Lipitor, and Preparation H among many others.

We can do this. Save the kitties! Shave the fishes! Everyone write to your Pfizer rep — he was probably just re-elected to Congress — and let’s stop the madness. Keep your hands off that tiger penis.

Merry Christmas!