I know there are provisions in the Affordable Care Act that will help us modernize our medical records. If we do that, we will lose moments like the one I experienced during my routine neck ultrasound this morning.
SCENE: Me lying on a stretcher, clenching my teeth against the warm gel and cold medical dildo combination. With me is the latest in a series of hot women I always get as my ultrasound techs. I guess this is where pharmaceutical sales reps go when they age out at 25.
Tech: I can’t find your thyroid.
Me: I’d be surprised if you could. My surgeon lost it at a Vegas roulette table.
Tech: … (looking down at me)
Tech: Is that a thyroidectomy scar?
Tech: It doesn’t say in your file you’ve had a thyroidectomy.
Tech: Wait, is your name Thomason?
Me: Um, no.
Tech: You said it was Walters, right?
Tech: (Shuffling through a stack of files) I think we need to start over. One second…
Me: I spend the next three minutes trying not to laugh out loud. I think I’m crying.
Tech: Okay, sorry about that. Thomason is a woman anyway.
The ultrasound recommences…
Tech: Why are you shaking?
Tech: Oh, go ahead.
Tech: Okay, okay. Let’s finish this.
Me: Okay. (I am still occasionally overcome by chuckles.)
Tech: Some of these lymph nodes look funny.
Me: (The chuckling stops.) They do?
Tech: Yeah. Hang on, I’ll show the radiologist.
So I have a couple of suspicious lymph nodes that they’ll have to keep an eye on, but it’s probably nothing since my latest bloodwork had nothing unusual. I thought for a moment she’d made it up to get me to shut the hell up. That would have been unethical but still damned funny.
But until she told me that, it was the best ultrasound ever. Don’t let Barry Obummer rob us of that just for the sake of efficiency, security, and medical health! WHO’S WITH ME?