Several chilling reports these days from Fort Wayne, Indiana. If Fort Wayne is home for anyone who owes you money or any loved ones, you might consider evacuating them.”But Christian,” you are perhaps shrieking. “Surely you aren’t referring to the Harry Baals controversy? That wasn’t dangerous, was it?”Calm down with the shrieking, you drama queen. I am not talking about Harry Baals. That was hilarious. I live not far from Athens, Georgia, which is home to Butt Smear Hall. I have developed a keen sense of the awesome name.No, I’m talking about the chilling plan to combat the Fort Wayne mosquito problem: introducing guppies.Mosquitoes are undoubtedly a problem. While we don’t get a lot of malaria in the States anymore (although that will change if Jenny McCarthy gets her way), there are also several kinds of encephalitis still out there. And you don’t want to show up at work with Dengue Fever. Also, if you have some warm, friendly pets (or even any cats), they can get heartworms. I am totally on board with the War on Skeeter.But guppies?Yes, guppies eat mosquito larvae. They need the energy from that larvae to make more guppies. You don’t get fat guppies, you get millions of hungry guppies looking for something to eat. They’ll decimate the local fish populations and the area will be blanketed by sad-faced PSAs from Peyton Manning.By this time next year, Fort Wayne officials will be under pressure to do something about the damn guppies. They will already be exhausted from the angry calls by local mosquito repellant manufacturers whose livelihood has been stolen. They will attack the problem the only way they know how: introducing a predator into the environment. I hope we get video of confused Fort Wayne municipal employees pitching live tuna into local streams and ponds.The tuna will be happy. The guppies will be gone. The mosquitoes might eventually come back, but things should be fine until the next election (which is the limit of elected official planning capabilities).Then in 2013, you’ll be able to walk across the pond in E. Swinney Park without getting your feet wet, on the backs of hungry, grumpy tuna. I have no idea what a stream choked with 200 lb fish would be like, but it’s got to have some ecological consequences. Is tuna poop an aphrodisiac in any culture? There might be a bright side.To deal with the tuna, the surely-by-now-lame-duck city government, no longer giving a damn and feeling more than a little homicidal towards their constituents, bus in some bears. This is roughly when the credits roll on Fort Wayne.I have already sent this scenario in to Syfy, so don’t even think about it. It’s going to be called Terrorsquito vs. the Guppy Swarm: The Fort Wayne Chronicles, Part I. I have already received a phone call from Jon Voight asking to be attached to the project. (My answer: “How did you get this number?”) If you are in an indie band that does a cover of that “Old Lady Who Swallowed the Fly” song, I’d like to hear your demo tape.Don’t mess with nature, folks. And to the good people of Fort Wayne — just ask yourself “what would Harry Baals do?” and rub on some DEET.

Leave a Reply