Bringing pain into the 19th century
It’s a standard comedy trope that dentistry techniques were developed by Torquemada. The only technical advances made since then have been sterilization and making the metal hooks sharper. You’ll be happy to know that’s no longer true.
For generations, those of us who like our teeth have been waiting for something. Some sort of mouth guard that microwaves our enamel and rinses with vodka in about 20 milliseconds, maybe. Dave Barry once suggested a dental laser that would heat our teeth to several thousand degrees. Those both have drawbacks, but either would be better than The Hook.
Unfortunately, the hook is still with us. It’s a recruiting implement for dental colleges everywhere, and is fully backed by the soulless visigoths at Big Floss. What’s gone is the polisher — you know, the tiny 5000rpm floor buffer they use to remove any fragments of gums the hook missed.
“They got rid of the rotary sander?” you ask. “Have dentists become more humane?”
HAHAHAHA! You’re adorable. You should smile more.
Dentists have found something better than the polisher. I don’t want to give away what it is yet, but it rhymes with “rand faster.”
Okay, I’ll tell you. Some dental device manufacturer drove by someone doing this:
They aren’t literally sandblasting our teeth, of course. They’re using baking soda and salt with a hint of mint. It feels like sand, but tastes much worse. The hygienist said “you’re going to love how your teeth feel,” which is true. They feel fine. Extremely fine. I have them in a salt shaker.
The little porcelain spittoon is gone, too. Now they have a little suction thing called The Hickeynator. It’s a shame, because leaning up to spit was the only time I ever did any crunches.
Progress! We may have despaired of dentistry ever moving out of the Dark Ages, but we have been proven wrong! Sand blasting was invented in 1870, so we have left behind the old Inquisition-era type of pain. This new pain is totally Victorian.
Be sure to floss! They have ways of making you pay!