What is Noah’s problem?
If I understood the Noah movie correctly…
God tells Maximus to build an ark with his wife, the ass-to-ass girl from Requiem for a Dream, his son Percy Jackson, his daughter-in-law Hermione Granger, and two lesser sons, the Game of Thrones reject (aka Mr. Hermione) and the shrunken head of Emma Stone. And speaking of stone, Maximus gets some contractor help from Treebeard cosplaying as a pile of granite. Also stoned is Maximus’ grandfather and berry junky Hannibal Lector, who basically just whines that the younger generation never brings him cherries — an apt observation, as he also manages to get Hermione out of a production of Harry Potter and the Desolate Womb, if you get my drift. Hermione corrects his pronunciation of “cootchy ferTILus” but at least now she can do something useful. Congrats to Ron Weasley.
Maximus’ opposition comes from the “This is totally not happening but if it does can we ride on your boat” party, led by Beowulf. When the rain starts (and I kept waiting for Maximus to say “when I give the signal, unleash Heaven” but he never did), the TITNHBIIDCWROYB Party charges in to get slaughtered by all the Treebeards, though Beowulf manages to cut a Beowulf-sized hole in the side of this totally seaworthy boat and stows away among the CGI animals — this immediately becomes less Bible and more Lost In Space.
Hannibal Lector, by the way, digs into the dirt and finally finds cherries and happily bites into them. He realizes that cherries don’t grow there and that he’s probably just eaten coyote poop, so he welcomes the flood waters with open arms. Also, Percy Jackson’s probably fertile 14-year-old girlfriend is left to get trampled by the angry mob because Maximus (paragon of men and only human worth saving) refuses to help her.
Maximus learns that Hermione is pregnant and makes the odd choice to sacrifice the baby when it’s born, although it seems more efficient to just throw her overboard immediately. The idea is that God really wanted to eradicate ALL humans, and this group is only alive to make sure the animals live and then they die off, so Maximus is mad that God’s plans are getting thwarted by his sleazy old grandfather’s weird crotch magic. So he grumps around for the whole trip and tells everyone over and over that he’s going to straight up stab the crap out of that baby. Then a lot of things happen at once.
- Hermione goes into labor during her second trimester, if the timing in the Bible is to be believed. She gives birth to twin girls, both of whom seem very large for babies that are four months premature. But still, two more girls around in case Percy Jackson and Emma Stone’s Head want to do it with their nieces in 12 years, tops.
- The ark runs aground. The most lasting image of the Bible story is Noah releasing the doves and them returning with an olive branch. In this movie, when he releases the doves, they just walk to the side and hop off.
- Beowulf decides to attack and murder Maximus. I don’t know why. Seems easier to just step off the ship and wander away to die alone. It doesn’t go all that well for Beowulf.
- Maximus wimps out of sacrificing the babies even though Hermione does nothing to stop him — she finally realized she was a female in a Bible story and closes her damn mouth.
Everyone lives happily ever after, except for the uncounted multitudes of dead people. Maximus relates the story of creation from like five chapters earlier in Genesis, while a fast-forwarded montage of evolution shows on-screen but no one is really buying it. Percy Jackson, still surly about the death of his beloved girlfriend No Name Given, fails to imprint on one of the newborn girls even though they’re obviously old enough. (Thanks, Twilight.) He wanders off to be alone, since the bathroom doors don’t have locks on them. Maximus makes up with Ass2Ass even though she’s like 43 at this point and is useless for anything. He vows to try to try to sacrifice fewer of their grandchildren.
And of course all the animals are DTF.
There! I hope you were inspired. Maybe not inspired enough to change your ways, but inspired enough to think kindly on Waterworld in the future should the opportunity present itself.