Time to fix this place up
Most of you have realized by now I moved from Atlanta, Georgia, to Burlington, Vermont. When I tell people that, the most common question I get is “Who the hell are you? Do you Feel the Bern?”
But occasionally people ask me why I did that. It’s because Vermont doesn’t have an extradition agreement with Georgia.
I’ve been here for about 3.5 months now. I arrived at the end of an unusually mild winter, so I still have the Real Snow to look forward to. But I have learned a lot about this place. Mostly I love it, but these people do need help. You can’t find self-rising corn meal, for example, and a bag of pecans means you don’t want to bother with paying rent. And you will think I am lying when I tell you about what passes for fashion.
And while I align more with Vermonters in general than with people in Alabama and Georgia, I am living in fear of the day when they realize Bernie Sanders will not be our next president. That may happen as soon as next week, but I expect it won’t be until the midterms in 2018.
Plus, football season is coming. When I try to explain football to these people, they ask me what the latest hockey score was. (Pro Tip: It was always 1-0 with a contested penalty shot and an epic fight.)
So I’m going to stop using this blog as an excuse to brag about my travels or to announce that my dog has died (Shammy is fine!), I’m going to tell you what I’ve learned living here and how I’m going to fix it.
To get us started, here’s something I wrote when I first got here. Stay tuned!
I’m working on a conversion table from Vermont weather to Southern reactions. I hope this can help others.
32-40 DEGREES F
Vermont: I guess I should wear something with sleeves
Georgia: We could use some global warming! HAW HAW HAW! Seriously, pick up milk and eggs immediately.
20-32 DEGREES F
Vermont: *sighs and lowers the wind screen on the Vespa helmet*
Georgia: I have deployed all the space heaters. Have they closed the schools yet?
BELOW 20 DEGREES F
Vermont: FINALLY I get to show off my cute new sweater!
Georgia: *accidentally smothered to death under 8 feet of down comforters*
Vermont: Crap. I can’t wear my open-toed sandals today. Probably.
Georgia: *neighborhood rushes outside to build 18” snowmen*
Vermont: Humid today.
Georgia: I need snowshoes. Do we have any old cutting boards?
Vermont: Nice. I haven’t gone skiing in almost two weeks, not counting that ski trip last weekend.
Georgia: *Abandons car on the interstate and lives at a Waffle House for three days. Presumed dead.*
Vermont: I guess I need some kind of hat
Georgia: The Elder Gods are rising and they are angry. We’re gonna need some virgins.